Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Changing your heathen ways

Maybe it’s the fact that Boomers are getting older, but it seems like the marketing world believes incontinence is a more pressing problem than, say, $5 diesel. (There’s a joke about going/not going in there someplace, which I leave to your creative minds to find.)

Not long ago, I wrote about a fairly expensive alternative to the trusty, if leaky, old-fashioned milk jug. Now comes word of a solution to many a male golfer’s dilemma – finding a convenient one-holer (as opposed to a hole-in-one). The UroClub, its makers promise, quickly and discreetly eliminates the need to find a handy bush or tree after a few rounds of beer and birdies.

That’s right, folks – many truckers deservedly take heat for depositing their pee bottle along the roadside. But it’s golf’s dirty little secret that many a guy has relieved his bladder on the course while supposedly searching for balls.

Seeing the UroClub instantly gave me an idea: Why not offer something similar to the trucking industry? Almost as instantly, I envisioned just the thing – The TireWilly.

Made out of durable, easy-to-clean plastic to resemble your tire billy, The TireWilly will be offered in three sizes – LTL, short-haul and long-haul. While you are standing there between the tandems, supposedly checking the pressure, you can be cleanly and discreetly relieving the pressure on your kidneys.

Look, let’s face it – 98 percent of the time when a guy is seen in that position, he’s taking a leak on the pavement, which is the sort of nasty biochemically dangerous thing you’d expect from an Al-Qaedan. Some slobs won’t even go on their own tires, but sneak over to the truck next to them. The TireWilly gives them a chance to amend their heathen ways.

So, I’m patenting this baby and ordering a few dozen containers shipped from China forthwith. Who knows – with more people running out of gas because they can’t afford to fill up, I might have to add a size designed for automobiles. I’ll call it the CupDeFill.

3 comments:

  1. Just the thing for those "wee" hours at night when nothing's open and there isn't a tree in site. Now if they just had something for the ball game when the lines is a half hour wait and you just had your third 20 oz beer -- maybe something in the shape of a mini-bat or 1 finger foam glove so it "blends in..."

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  2. Good one, Bill!

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  3. Paul - i have heard about just that kind of thing for rabid fans whose thirsts are bigger than their bladders. Don't know where to find them. But in the meanwhile, Bob Dole and I have one word for you:
    DEPENDS

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